Sexual Abuse Awareness
“What we believe shapes what we see and what we do.”
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Each year our church hosts a leadership training. It’s for all the leaders from the missions and worship teams to the nursery and adult ministries. It’s for elders and deacons and wannabe leaders. This year the topic was Sexual Abuse Awareness Training. My first thoughts were in this order:
I don’t need to come, I know all of this material.
I’m glad the entire church is being trained.
I need to come to support the leaders who are doing this.
My Past Experience
I have been a children’s minister. We did background checks, enforced the two-adult rule, and left classroom doors open where we didn’t have clear glass windows to observe a class in session. I kept careful attendance records so I knew who was in class. I filed them in case I would need to prove or defend something in the future.
Because I was a long-time member of this church, I knew at least three people that I would never allow to work with children. One came by a call from a friend from another church. Another came from hearing about someone’s interest in stalking lovers in parking lots. And I had personal knowledge of a third person who had among other issues, an addiction to gambling. I didn’t make a written record of this group but I told two other people in case something happened to me.
Also, I knew a bit about teaching congregants on what to do about “red flags” that they might see, but I had left that position before I could explore that further. Nevertheless I felt I was quite well equipped.
What I Learned
Before the DVD training by MinistrySafe*, our adult minister said the following: “There are parts of this training that may be hard to watch. It may trigger emotions long forgotten of when you might have been hurt or when someone you know was abused. You will also hear several perpetrators talk. We have a counselor here who will address some issues at our break. But if you need to leave the room at any time, you are welcome to do so.” I strapped in for the ride, wondering what was going to happen.
MinistrySafe began because the husband and wife team of Gregory Love and Kimberlee Norris were sexual abuse litigators. Over time they recognized patterns both in grooming practices of abusers and their victims. As believers in Christ, they began developing curriculum for churches and Christian ministries based on their knowledge. Today their business includes multiple support services for ministry leaders in order to prevent child abuse. Below is a thumbnail sketch of what I was reminded of and learned that day.
Who are the Abusers?
Most abusers are married with children. About 90% of the time the abuser is someone the child knows (relative, caregiver, etc). Abusers appear as people who are helping to build trust with children. Thus they often act like fellow children’s ministers or youth leaders because we too are seeking to build trust with children as we study God’s Word together. Abusers can also be peers who are somewhat older or larger than their victim.
Who is Abused?
Small children are vulnerable because more people have access to them in daycare, nurseries, with babysitters, etc. Children of single parents are vulnerable because the parent often desires and needs help caring for their children. Children who are unconnected or perceived as loners are at risk because they are easier to isolate. Children who are involved with alcohol, drugs, and/or pornography are targets because they are already breaking rules, a tactic that abusers use.
How do Abusers “Groom” their Victims?
Abusers take their time to build trust in parents and in the child. Abusers learn what a child likes such as video games, sports, or events. Over time, abusers will encourage rule-breaking, keeping secrets, and pushing boundaries which is why children involved in illegal behavior are easier targets.
Signs of Abuse
It’s tricky to observe if a child has been abused. Sometimes, the child doesn’t want to be alone with another child or the adult abuser. The child may not want to be in activity that he or she previously enjoyed. If a child says he or she has been bullied this should be further explored.
What to Do
When a child reports that they have been hurt by another person, it is easy for adults to react in alarm. However, it is far better to listen and respond calmly. Avoid shaming questions and say instead, “I believe you.”
Churches and ministries need to have a policy in place stating how you will handle reports of abuse.Wise church policies designate a confidential chain of command protecting the victim and the accused while at the same time alerting the police. Churches must always follow mandatory reporting laws. Every state has one. Make sure yours is included in your policy. Ministry Safe and other entities like it have the expertise to help you create such policies and procedures. Your policy needs to be affirmed and adopted by the entire church leadership.
How to Reduce Risk
Train your congregants and especially your ministry leaders and helpers to follow these regulations. Put your boundaries in place and keep them up. Don’t be fooled by someone who wants to help you in your work with children but doesn’t abide by your procedures.
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At break time, the room was rather silent. Some of us were repulsed after seeing abusers speak of how they went about their crime. Some of us were nauseated that children were being abused. And some, like me, remembered a time, long forgotten, when we were abused. For me it was in elementary school while waiting for the school bus when a driver pulled over, got out of his car, unzipped his pants exposing himself and showed us pornographic materials. We reported what happened to our parents who later chose to press charges against him. I actually attended a line up and picked the man out immediately. When I was asked to describe the others in the line up I said, “I don’t know because as soon as I saw him, I knew he was the one and I just stared at him.” Apparently that wasn’t good enough. The case lingered many, many months until finally my mother gave up and said we were done. I was relieved. But I also felt like my word didn’t count.
I share this story to illustrate that abuse is all around us whether we admit it or not. Certainly I wasn’t raped, but I experienced an unwanted, close-up exposure to male anatomy and to pornography. I didn’t have the vocabulary for what happened. I had bad dreams for quite some time and have always been cautious about anyone pulling up in a car beside me.
Our children are the most vulnerable to molestation and suffer the most damage. Once they are abused, they enter a world of darkness and evil that God never intended for them to experience. Unlike adults, they can’t defend themselves. They don’t have the vocabulary to name what happened to them. They are fearful, haunted, and often in serious danger of continued abuse. God calls us to defend the helpless and to mete out justice on evildoers. I am reminded of Jesus’ words in Mark 9:42 when talking about anyone harming a child, “it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.” That’s a graphic, horrific punishment. Certainly Jesus did not equivocate about protecting children and punishing their perpetrators.
It is the role of the church to protect the youngest, the smallest, the most vulnerable in our midst. This is not to be a siloed enterprise. Child abuse prevention needs to come from the lead pastor, the elders, and the deacons in terms of policy, action, and recurring churchwide education. It’s not a side issue. It’s a core issue that echoes God’s intent that we be protect and care for the children among us as the Good Shepherd cares for his sheep in John 10.
*There are other entities that provide similar services to MinistrySafe.